Saturday, October 06, 2007

How to Deal with People Who Hurt You

There are number of instances in life when people hurt us, either with their actions or with their words. There may be times when they did not really mean it, but it just happened that you perceived them in a different way.

However, there are certain people who seem to be out there with a mission to make your life miserable. They will do everything possible to make you feel bad, they will criticize you, humiliate you, abuse you and what not. You are a nice person and you are unable to figure out why these particular people are behaving in this odd fashion.

Ultimately, you start to ignore them, and hate them, and try to escape. But the bad taste in the mouth remains. You do not even want to confront as you are afraid that it will lead the unpleasantness. And many times confrontation may make the situation worse, as your tormentor realizes that he/has succeeded in making you feel bad. So, what will you do? How will you react? Crying in frustration is definitely not going to help.

Lot of people may advice you to “Be positive”. But how can you be positive when you actually feeling negative? How can you love, forgive and forget when inside the core of your heart you are feeling loath and revenge?

How? How? How?

Yes, you can, if you know this secret that I am going to share with you. But before that I will like to tell you a story.

In a class a professor, drew a small dot on the white board, and asked his students what they see. Everyone, shouted in unison “A dot”

The professor asked them to look carefully and answer. But their answer was the same. Then he asked his students, that can not they see the white board, the wall on which it is hung, the professor and the table in front of him.

The students were amazed at their own answer, because, they in fact could see much more than the dot. But then previously why they could not see it all?

The reason as the professor explained was “Focus”. What we are focusing in life? Because, he drew a dot everyone saw the dot. When he brought their attention to other things they could see it as well, but not before that.

In our lives we focus at the problem, and keep on harping about it. But in fact, the solution is situated not inside but outside the problem. All we need to learn is to look at the white board and not at the dot.

Now, there is this person bothering you, abusing, you, making you feel miserable, though you want to be friends with him or her. And you are feeling bad, exactly as this person wanted. But there is an escape to this. Now next time something like this happens, and you are feeling negative try “praying.”

“Praying”, you must be saying, “But I do pray”

Let me ask you....” For whom do you pray?”

It’s possible that your answer is “I pray to God to give me strength and tolerance”

That is what we should do. Right!

Right, but where is your focus? When you pray to God and ask for strength and tolerance you actually believe that you lack it. Your focus automatically is on your misery and it gets reinforced in your mind and you eventually feel more miserable.

So, next time rather than praying for yourself, pray for your tormentor. Jesus when he was on cross was not praying for himself, but for people who were crucifying him. He said “Father, forgive them, they do not know what they are doing.”

Prey, for the person who has done you wrong. He is the person who should be pitied and not you. Think, how much he or she has lost, by behaving the way he/she did. He/she has lost the pleasure of a beautiful relationship with a nice person like you. He/she has become lonelier, more secluded, and all by himself/herself. Don't you think such a person needs your help? You can help by preying for him/her.

And hey presto! What happens? Your negativity melts and you start feeling positive. Your misery will disappear, since, now your anger will turn into pity. Your focus will shift from you to the other person. You will feel that the other person is actually more of a victim of his or her own action than you are. Since you are preying for someone else, you are the giver. You can not feel negative when you are giving. You will do something very positive. You can not do positive and feel negative at the same time. You will feel good; in fact you will start feeling “GREAT”.

Please remember
“God grants us our wishes when we are praying for other” and
“No one has the right to hurt you against your wish.”

Have faith and do well. You are not alone. God is always there with you!

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Anonymous said...

You are very right sir,
I shall pray for her

thanks

Lacey said...

Good post.

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enig said...

I loved this article! just what i needed.. i have always been a very sensitive person and I can be hut easily.. many people have taken me for granted and have hurt me a lot.. including my parents... so much that I cannot trust anyone.. I have done a lot for a lot of people.. it is either jealousy or smallness of some human beings that hurt another person..


Thanks for posting this!!

patricewilliam said...

An insightfull post. Will definitely help.

Thanks,
Karim - Positive thinking

santinos_den said...

i have read your blog and i like it.Yes, it is so true that we should pray for the person who hurt us...but what if this person doesn't stop or change? I learned in the bible that we should stay away from people who do bad or else we might end up like them...if we pray,then forgive and should forget...but how can we forget if these people continue to hurt others? Then, we wrong/bad too?

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Anonymous said...

I AGREE WITH YOU- SUCH KIND OF PEOPLE WHO DERIVE SATISFACTION ON HURTING OTHERS GENERALLY HAVE SOME PSYCHOTIC PROBLEMS.I AND MOST OF MY FRIENDS HAVE BEEN THROUGH THIS. REAL BIG SHIT IN LIFE.

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Weezie said...

Thank you. This is just what I needed after dealing with someone who is truly miswerable. Prayer is the answer!

Siddharth said...

hey vivek
your blog is realy very nice and helpful
i want to ask tht do we stop talking wid the him/her and pray for them

barto said...

Thanks Vivek. At breaking point, this article had released some steam. Celebrate the gift that you are. Amin.

Anonymous said...

Just want to say that reading that just now was great!

Kim said...

I like this post but I have few questions.. What if the whole crowd (may be team members, class mates or people in group) supports tormentor or not willing to support the victim? It happens sometimes that tormentor is praised for his argument skills.. In this case, victim will be left alone in the group or team or class. So, I don't believe prayer will benefit that lonely victim.. do you have any idea to make sure that crowd is on victim's side or to handle situations?

Vivek said...

Dear Kim,

Thanks for your comments. I still beleive that only prayer will help. I have been in such situations when the entire group was against me, and i was so lonely. And I tel you, prayer helperd. Prayer has the power that can change situations. Being a christian I beleieve in prayers and miracles. I know because they happen in my life.

Vivek Ray

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yasho said...

The article is truly amazing... It showed me a new way to look at my tormentor.

Anonymous said...

thanks a lot
and one question wat if they make some kind of web around you

Anonymous said...

and wat if they will make ur reputation worse and will accused u of some dirty things

sundar said...

hi,,,my name is kalanjiam sundar,am from mumbai,india...
i would like share some of my disadvantages,everytime i used to keep faith on others means specially to my friends,but when they fail to keep my faith,i feel so depressed ,,could,nt able to behave properly with them,in turn breakups

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Anonymous said...

Thanks for your advice. I know a number of people I should have and will pray for. But I need your advice how to apply it in this case that has tormented me to the limit. I am a remarkably patient man .
My wife went away with my child and hitched up with another man for nine months then we reconciled though the child is still with the grandmother. She confessed her mistake and willingness to make up hopefully for good. Six months ago she inherited some property and started living there alone. I went one weekend and she could not respond to my calls. The following weekend I met her and after 3 hours she asked me to leave..... and I had to drive back another 200 kilometres. She wont accompany me to see our daughter. She seems to be enjoying this immensely. The parents openly says now that she is doing well she does not need a husband. I feel so bitter but still waiting to see what to do as I contemplate litigation for child rights. And you say I pray.

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